Women - the greatest mystery

**Girl' is the only thing about which brain uses maximum resource but comes
with no output.*

Rahul was waiting for his love ...
"30 minutes late!!" his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins
late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff
.... Oh there she is"

"Scold her OK?" his brain adviced.

"OK I will try"

Sweet Ramya comes with the cutest smile and says "I'm sorry honey ... I was
shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"

"What if you had said that line buddy?" shouted his brain ... "she would
have had a nervous breakdown"

Rahul ignored his brain ... "Its OK honey ... it's only half an hour ...
no problem"

She smiled once again... held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what
occasion is today"

"OMG!!!" thought Rahul ....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly
anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I don't care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ...
parallel processing .. Multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Ramya stared at Rahul.... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes
now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!" he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong ... was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Damn!!" thought Rahul

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?" she asked.

Rahul is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?" Said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey ... U know my lousy memory ... I guess I can't recall what today
is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!!? ..... It's my doggy's birthday"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

Rahul was dumbfounded.
"What the hell am I supposed to do know?" he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... don't worry our specialist will
comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast ...Brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity.... gathering and analyzing all data
on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Rahul.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggy's bday ...
how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise...
"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"

She stood up angrily and left.
Rahul and his brain were left there clueless....

"Ah! Screw u guys... I'm going home", said his brain and left.

Did you ever get such program notice in your company?

.
To: All Employees
From: The program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
Date: TODAY
Re: S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T . than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. Seriously will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. Anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you too are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Too good

One day Laloo was travelling by his car. He was going to a village for
campaigning . Suddenly a piglet came before the car. The driver could'nt
hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed
in the accident.

At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset He called the
driver and said,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon.
Usko dhundke lav ".

At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back after
some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots
of money in his hands!!!

Laloo was surprised .. He asked ,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye
, aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! baat kya hai?"

At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident . Hearing it
they were rejoiced , put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some
time and gave this money."

Laloo then asked him "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bole?"

The driver replied : "Main bola, mein Laloo Prasad ka driver hoon. Maine
suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai......... ."

Pastor's A.s.s

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:
'PASTOR'S A.S.S OUT FRONT'

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:
'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A.S.S'

This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
'NUN HAS BEST A.S.S IN TOWN'

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
'NUN SELLS HER A.S.S FOR $10'

As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER A.S.S IS WILD AND FREE'

The bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.....

You'll be a lot happier and live longer

The Ant & The Grasshopper..

Ant & Grasshopper

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs, dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.


Modern Version

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly


Many Years Later...

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley …

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ...

As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, India is still a developing country…!!!

Legal or Logical?

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please don't say a word to your mother.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.

Can you donate this 1 Rupee?

This message was forwarded to me by a friend. An excellent response by a true Sardar:

"Hello friends!! Well, jayant , my friend, told me the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

In the diwali vacation, Jayant and his couple of friends had gone to Delhi.
They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar, and boys being boys, Jayant and his pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to insinuate the old man.
But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid up the hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change. Moreover, he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said, (in Hindi, of course),

"Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in a very bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world. But I have just one request. Here I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this city."

Jayant continued," That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging on the streets of Delhi."

Friends, we all love sardar jokes. But the fact of matter is that Sikhs are one of the most prosperous and diversified communities in the world. The secret behind their universal success, according to me, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, but he will never beg on the streets.